you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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