Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
