I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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