i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
