I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My day in three words: secret purse cake
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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