Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
