got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
