I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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