i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
