Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Randomize
