I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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