i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
