He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
