I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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