I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
