does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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