I'm going to jail i love you
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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