i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
