I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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