I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
