Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
