My girlfriend figured out who you are.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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