You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
i think my cat just said my name.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
