I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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