i used baking grease as lip gloss
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
