The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
