My Higher Power is John Stamos
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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