piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize