you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
