doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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