it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
