Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
