my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
