You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
