found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
