I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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