She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
