dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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