I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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