I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
