In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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