Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
