I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
