just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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