I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
