if only i could text you this smell
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
