Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
