What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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