youre lurking in front of me
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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