I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I would fuck him just for his dog
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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