I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
