MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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