One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
