I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
