is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
