i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
